Reconnect with Yourself

A few weeks ago, in this post, I confessed just how far I had fallen on the pedestal I put myself on. The landing was not soft but sometimes pain is how we grow.

In an attempt to end this inner turmoil, I knew the very first thing I needed to do was to reconnect with myself. I have been putting my dreams and desires on the backburner for so long because I was afraid to go after the things I really wanted. I ignored my instincts and squashed my own creativity out of fear of judgement and ridicule. I got caught up in the shoulds and comparisons.

I stopped listening to my body and shut down my own sense of self. It was like I was floating along the river of life and allowing the current to push me here, there, and everywhere instead of taking up a paddle and choosing my own direction.

I felt hopeless. I felt alone. I felt disconnected. And then I suffered a terrible loss. Not only was I grieving but I was floundering. It seemed as if everyone around me had that something that was they used as a life raft in these difficult times. I have friends who, on top of their careers, train for triathlons, coach CrossFit, create art, bake prolifically for fun and profit, make music, run successful social media accounts, and so much more. And I had nothing. I felt like I wasn’t enough because I wasn’t really doing anything amazing with my career or my life outside of work, either.

After hitting my lowest point, laying in the grass of a public park crying hysterically, I knew that I first need to let go of these comparisons. I do not need to be doing something that I perceive as amazing in order to be worthy of love and respect. I can simply exist and be worthy of those things. I do not need to have a “amazing” career to feel fulfilled. But I do need to feel fulfilled. I just didn’t know where to start to find that fulfillment.

I was Allie and life was Noah, screaming at me in the rain. What do you want? I did not know and I’m still not sure I do. Not exactly, anyways.

So, how does one figure out what they want? I don’t actually know the answer to that either but I have a hunch that if I start with reconnecting with myself I can figure it out.

I set the goal to take myself out a date once a week for a month. I am going to spend time alone out in the world to be quiet and still with myself. I am going to cross off some items of my Portland bucket list, treat myself to a little pampering, and just be kind to myself and others.

My goal is to get comfortable with silence and being alone again. It is something I was actually quite good at a few years ago. I lost that skill set when I stopped using it. I numbed loneliness with music, podcasts, and social media content instead of embracing loneliness as time spent with the most important person in my life, me. I hope in that silence, I find something to cling to - something I really want and can go after with my whole self. But Rome wasn’t built in day…maybe a month isn’t enough time to find purpose again.

If that turns out to be the case, I will be totally okay with that because I am an investment worth making. Either way, I know I need to tune back into my intuition.

I’m going to head out into the world and get to reconnecting with myself. But I’m curious, how do you reconnect when you feel like you’ve gone adrift?