Project Back on Track: Day 60 Check-In
Day 60 has come and gone in a flash. Where does the time go? And more importantly, why must it always take summer with it?
Fall weather, pumpkin madness, and cute sweaters have descended upon the Northern Hemisphere with a suddenness that feels a bit like being electrocuted by your hairdryer. September came in like a lamb but October seems to be closing in on us with all the force of a soccer mom clambering to the Starbucks counter on the first day of Pumpkin Latte Season.
Despite fall’s attempt to destroy me with goldenrod pollen, it seems that this shock to the system was the exact thing I needed to shake things up.
With a renewed enthusiasm, I approached this leg of the Project Back on Track with a sense of hope and gentleness. Gentleness for myself above all. And with this newfound confidence in not being perfect and not expecting to be perfect, I feel like the practice of mediation and I have finally clicked.
Meditation and perfectionism have long been mortal enemies. The stillness required to practice meditation and the nagging need to always be doing more and being better simply cannot coexist. Finally, these two warring entities have found peace in my world.
I started a new meditation practice because I just couldn’t even. For the last 60 days, I tried to incorporate meditation into my self-care practice but I just couldn’t get it done. I struggled with creating stillness. It feels unnatural to me to be doing nothing. I fidgeted. My mind wandered. I suddenly needed to pee really badly. It’s as if my body physically rejects the idea of being quiet. It’s as if my body is afraid of what my mind may uncover in a moment of openness and in order to protect itself from potential insight, it creates a distraction.
I felt frustrated. I felt defeated. I felt the agonizing pain of not being able to do something that seems like it should be easy. I compared myself to others (why can’t I do what they’re doing so easily?). I bullied myself (you suck). I gave up (because I’m an avoider).
And then Melissa Urban, Whole30 boss babe, gave me the exact tool I had been looking for all along. Melissa, through her podcast, Do The Thing, introduced me to the Mind Right meditation practiced developed by Todd McCullough, of TMAC Fitness. This specific meditation protocol really spoke to me - it is self-directed but structured around gratitude, love, visualization, and prayer.
If you’re interested in learning more about Mind Right, check out Melissa’s podcast here.It completely changed the direction this project for me at this point and I’m grateful to have this in my self-care toolkit now. So far, this is the best thing that has come out of Project Back on Track for me.
Over the last 15 days, Mind Right practice has brought me the stillness I needed to hear the message the Universe has probably been screaming at me since the day I was born. I haven’t been able to hear it over all my own bullshit and the noise of the outside world. The message was as follows:
“Let go of guilt surrounding uncertainty. I don’t have the answers right but I will have them in time. I don’t know now but I will. And that’s ok.”
This was utterly liberating and transformative. I have long struggled with the inability to make decisions. There are things in my life that I need to simply give up to God and stop trying so desperately to control - my relationship with Thomas, my career path, my blog. I have to stop strangling these puzzle pieces in an effort to make my life look the way I feel it should. Instead, I need to let nature take its course and find strength in my own, personal timeline.
“Give it up to God”- a phrase my mother repeated whenever something in my life was pulling at the strings of my anxiety. Sometimes the best thing we can do, when we’re deep in the wilderness of our own problems, is to give it up to the Universe, the Divine Creator, whatever it is that you believe in. Give it up. Let it go.
That doesn’t mean you can shirk your work duties, ignore your partner’s needs, and let your laundry pile grow to rival Mt. Everest. But just try letting go of your expectations. Let the Universe do its damn thing. The Universe is infinitely old and equally vast and has been sorting out all the things since the beginning of time. The Universe knows what’s up. Trust the Universe. Trust God. Trust yourself.
Take a deep breath right now and picture that one thing that has been truly bothering you lately. Surround it with light, love, and hope. Then let it go. Watch it float away to Heaven where it will be addressed in due time. Know that the answer or solution will come in soon - loud and clear - when you stop and listen for it.
If nothing else in my life changes in the next 30 days, as Project Back on Track comes to a close, I will be forever grateful for this small thing. The discovery of a meditation practice that works for me.
What are you letting go of? Tell me all about it in the comments below.
