Owning Your Timeline

Timing is everything. Or so the cliche goes but what does that really mean? Timing is everything. At its base, it seems pretty freaking obvious.But when you dig a little deeper, that phrase, “timing is everything”, gets a little fuzzier. Harder to put into focus. With all the elements of the universe at play, how can time rule them all? 

Time and timing and timelines have been an eerily recurring theme in my life lately.

I simply cannot get away from the subject.. It doesn’t matter who I’m talking to or what we’re talking about somehow timing creeps its way into every conversation.

Maybe it’s simply my age. Maybe, when you hit 30, time seems less infinite than it did in your 20s. Or maybe it’s just the universe’s way of nudging me to write this blog post that I’ve been meaning to since I first started Laurel and Iron. 

Either way, it became abundantly clear to me that the subject of personal timelines weighs on everyone, not just me, in a recent group text with 3 of my best friends. 

One of my dear friends is going through, what I can only imagine to be, the horribly disappointing process of trying to conceive. She is honestly the bravest people I know and instead of hiding what was going on (which is totally what I would do), she reached out to our girl group to share frustration. Facebook pregnancy announcements were driving her insane. 

Social media, also known as the best human torture device ever invented, has a special way of making us feel like we are failing or falling behind.

Whether it is their careers or their personal lives, social media is showing us everyone else’s highlight reel.

But is that the whole picture?Is it your whole picture? Do you share all of your struggles, failings, and disappointments on social media? If you do, you’re a brave soul. If you don’t, you’re just like me. It’s not that I am necessarily afraid to show people my struggles but somethings are simply private. 

If you’re not showing your whole picture, why do you believe that everyone else is? I know that deep down you know that everyone has their own struggles and hardships but something about social media makes us forget that the good things we see aren’t the whole story. 

Although I cannot relate to wanting a child and having a difficult time conceiving, I can relate to being frustrated by my own timeline and the way that social media makes me feel like my life is falling behind. Just as my friend feels like every single post she sees is someone sharing the news of their growing family, I feel like every single post I see is a couple sharing their engagement or wedding. 

And what do I have to show for my life?

Is it possible that our social media feeds are so vastly different that these things are both true? Yes, it is possible but on the law of averages, I bet we see the same number of pregnancy and engagement announcements. 

But I’m not struggling to conceive. So, maybe the pregnancy announcements don’t tug at me the way they do my friend. I don’t feel that same sadness everytime another ultrasound appears on my screen. 

I am, however, struggling with the fact that I am not married and that society has made me feel like I should be by now. My friend is already married. Maybe it’s easier for her to see engagement announcements, wish the couple well, and move on with her day. Those announcements don’t sting her soul the way they do mine. 

She and I are at two different places in our lives but we have a commonality - we are both struggling with our  timelines. Albeit, in very different ways. 

I know, in my heart of hearts, that she will be a mother someday. I have no doubt in my mind that motherhood will find its way into her life. I don’t know the when or the how but I am confident in its inevitability. I accept it as a part of her timeline that she simply has reached yet. 

I know, in my heart of hearts, that I am worthy and deserving of a life-long, meaningful partnership. I also know, when I’m really honest with myself, that right now is not my time. It doesn’t mean that I won’t ever get married. However, right now, I have some bigger fish to fry. But the pressure I feel to explain myself to everyone else is painful. The uncertainty of not knowing the when of it all is excruciating because I feel inadequate in lack of wifehood. 

Constantly answering the question, “when are you and Thomas getting married?” is like poking that empty feeling in my heart with a sharp, hot stick. It usually comes from a good place but it hurts none-the-less. 

The pain is real and undeniable. And warranted.

It’s fucking hard to see the thing you want and not be able to have it.

It’s hard to know you want something but know the timing is just not right.

So how do we deal with it? We have to own our timeline. 

I’ll use my own struggle as an example but this is applicable to anything you’re waiting for - a child, a husband, a partner, a house, a career. It doesn’t matter what the “thing” is - everyone’s struggle is different. 

First things first, if social media is driving you crazy, it’s time to take a break.

Remove the apps from your phone, log out of the sites on your computer, whatever you have to do to break the cycle of mindless scrolling - do it.  

I took Facebook off my phone over 2 years ago when I was single and hurting. I never looked back and I never missed it. Sure, I check-in once in a while but I do it deliberately, at my laptop, and for a finite period of time.

As for Instagram, I obviously have a different relationship with the app being a blogger, but I still have limits. I set a timer in the app that reminds me that I’ve spent an hour on Instagram that day. Then I know I need to step back and go do something else. 

If you absolutely can’t step away from social media, it’s time to curate your feed. You can mute your friend who is posting her daily count down to her wedding so she no longer shows up when you’re scrolling. You can unfollow Instagram accounts that make you feel sad, inadequate, or like a failure. 

This is not mean. This is self-care. Repeat after me. This is self-care.

I promise you that social media will be there when you’re in a better place and you will not miss out on anything important. 

If probing questions from friends and family about wedding bells and the pitter patter of little feet are making you crazy. It’s time to write a script. 

“Right now, Thomas and I are really happy where we’re at. We both have a lot of exciting things coming up in our careers. So, a wedding isn’t in our immediate future but we do have an amazing trip coming up that we’re both really looking forward, too.”

Write it out. Practice it. Memorize it. Repeat it to yourself. Emphasize the other amazing things that are going on in your life that have nothing to do with your marital status! You are more than that! 

For people you feel close to, you may want to be more blunt. 

“I’m not sure when Thomas and I will be ready for marriage. I know you mean well but I feel a lot of pressure and anxiety surrounding the subject of marriage. So, I’d prefer not to talk about it right now. I know, when it happens, you’ll be the first to hear the news.” 

Once you’ve decluttered your social media, and written your scripts, it’s time to do the inner work - the part where you actually accept where you’re at and settle into the uncertainty. I know this isn’t easy. I hate, with the burning fire of 1,000 suns, the feeling of not knowing when is going to happen. It makes me sick to my stomach when something in my life is unsettled.

Uncertainty is part of the human experience.

However uncomfortable it may make us feel, there is no shame in it. But sitting with it can be really hard.

This doesn’t mean we stop working for the things we want or fighting for the people we want in our lives but it does mean that we need to learn to be okay with the fact that we haven’t gotten there yet.

This journey could be of mythical proportions. So, it’s time to call in your crew. Get your friends and family on board. Ask them to run interference with pesky aunts and those girls you used hang out with in college.

Maybe it’s time to seek professional guidance. If you struggle with anxiety and self-acceptance - find a professional counselor to help you work through these emotions and learn how to better handle difficult situations and discussions. 

If it’s your career or finances you struggle with, seek out a career counselor or financial adviser. The small upfront costs will pay dividends in peace of mind. 

If it’s your health, get into to see your primary care doctor. Be honest and real. If you need a specialist, these things often take time. So, ask for ways to manage things in the meantime.

Don’t be afraid to keep going back until you get answers. 

Prepare yourself for anxiety inducing events like weddings, baby showers, and celebrating your friends promotion. Make time for self-care surrounding the event (that means before AND after). Bring a supportive friend and clue them into your concerns so they can help you manage. 

There is no recipe to acceptance. There is only thoughtful, deliberate self-care and the unfailing belief that your timeline and path are exceptionally perfect in every way. 

Take it one day, one step at a time. Be well. Love yourself. 

Tell me how you own your timeline in the comments below.